On Beyond Bovine #13 - Fresh Coconut

Guess how you don't open a fresh coconut?

You do NOT open a coconut by whacking it with the blade of your favorite chef's knife. Just because they do it in the movies like that, doesn't mean you are capable. Or maybe it's because your machete isn't readily available. Maybe you left it in the back 40 after, uh, clearing some brush? I dunno, just don't do it, because then you'll be able to see the ding in the blade of your knife and you will want to leave a dinged blade shaped impression on the person who said to do it and that your knife would be fine. Not that anyone I know is in that exact predicament. Ahem.

So, on to the how to. You're going to need a hammer, a towel, a nail or awl, and a cup.
See the 3 little dots? They are in bowling pin hole formation.

Drive your nail or awl through each of the three dots to make holes. The website may claim that's enough, I have to wonder how freaking big their nails were, maybe they used railroad ties. We also had to poke a hole on the other side to let air out.

Drain the water from the coconut completely into the cup.

This is the part where the person who read the website should fill you in on stuff like "they said you might want to be on the floor or outside, because you have to hit it really hard." Before they try to dismantle your countertop. Wrap the coconut in the towel and take the towel outside. Bang it with a hammer.
The inner white meat and the brown thin skin that comes with it is entirely edible. Although, when grating, you may want to take the brown stuff off, because it will look funky.

Clinton: [Takes a small piece and pops it in his mouth, chews for a moment] It’s like a tasteless carrot.

Me: I'm pretty sure that's why they sell sweetened coconut in the store.

Clinton: [ Now chewing for 15 seconds] Ok, now it's getting papery; it doesn't take long to start tasting like dried crap.

Me: It didn't have much flavor, the juice seemed to have the most flavor. Maybe if we dipped it in sugar? Like sweetened coconut might be. I don't have confectioners' but I think we could try regular sugar.

Clinton: [dunks a chunk of coconut in a bowl of sugar, and places it in his mouth] [GAG, HACK, WHEEZE] That was worse! Too sweet.

Me: [Tried the same thing] Ehh, not that bad.

I continued cleaning up the coconut pieces and sent Clinton to figure out how to make sweetened grated coconut from the internet. He came back with a recipe that was basically, add some sugar to the liquid and once you grate it, pour it over the grated coconut, then allow to dry.

He added the sugar and asked me if it was enough. I tasted it, I don't know.

Landon showed up about this time to find out what we were doing.

He tasted the sweetened coconut juice. "Mmmmm, dat's good."

We grated the coconut.

And spread it, poured the sweetened juice over it and let him taste it. "Uhhh, me no like it."

I don't think we added quite enough sugar, I tasted the final product and it didn't have the sweetness that I normally get from the packaged coconut. I gathered it up after a while and froze it. I don't use a lot of coconut, but we'll see.