Girl Pants

I may have mentioned that on Sunday we went to buy pants for me. I've had this gift card for like a year and I've been patiently waiting for my weight to magically poof to lower numbers and it's not happening, so I broke down and decided to buy new pants.

This is big. That I decided it. That I announced it. That I actually followed through on it. And I may have given Clinton a heart attack in the process.

We arrived at Katy Mills Mall with about an hour to buy both Landon shoes and me pants. Landon's shoes didn't take that long and we were off to S&Bs for the pants.

There are going out of business signs posted everywhere and we only had 30 minutes, so Clinton and I decided to split up. He took Landon to the kiddo department to look for pants for him and I went to the Sarah Jessica Parker section because I like her Bitten pants.

And granted this is the end of the day on the crazy shopping weekend from hell. But holy hell there were pants everywhere in the Sarah Jessica Parker section and by everywhere I mean all over the floor in a heaping pile of mess. Like a size 6-16 tornado came through took all those pants and left the 0s, 20s, and 22s to die slow painful deaths strewn about the room. I did manage to find 2 pair in my size, although not exactly what I wanted, they'll do for now. I went to try them on.

As I exited the changing room I noticed stacks of neatly folded pants that had been rejected by other people, so I perused them for my size with no luck. I met up with Clinton, he had found a few pair of pants for Landon, so I stripped him down and wrestled them on him. By this time they're making announcements about the impending closure of the store and everyone should go stand in line to check out now. We finally settled on 2 pair for me (the only two in the store in my size) and 1 pair for him (the only pair in the store in his size). I managed to get his original pants back on him and one shoe when he took off toward the back of the store.

Now I'm not sure what the store employee I'll call Jughead thought I was doing, I mean, clearly you can't tell what a woman is up to when she's chasing a 2 year old with a shoe telling him to stop, obviously she's still shopping. He freaking yelled at me. "Ma'am!" (And don't even get me started on how I do not like to be called ma'am.) "Ma'am!" I gave him a dirty look. "We're closing!" He said it just like that, bold stupidity, italics of assholery, exclamation point and all. "I know." And I shot him my best death ray eyes of leave me the hell alone, can't you tell when a woman is not in the mood to be patronized.

Anyway, I spent the next 30 minutes in line at the cash register where only one employee - the least trained one they have - was checking people out. Which was annoying at first, but proved to be to my advantage later.

The woman in front of me had some kind of ringing up issue, it took 4 visits from various other employees and one visit twice from one guy until it was solved (why he didn't solve it the first time was beyond me.) That transaction alone took 20 minutes.

So I paid for my pants, telling the girl specifically that there were toddler pants wrapped up in the middle of my wad, and she still didn't ring them up. And I might have considered going back to pay for them, if Jughead had been nicer to me, or if I didn't have to go to another Steve & Barry's to try to spend the remainder of my gift card.

Yesterday during lunch I went to the other Steve and Barry's in town and got a couple pair of incentive pants. (One size smaller than my current pants.) and I searched the entire store for pants for Landon. And found 2. Except one pair is girl pants. And maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it to Clinton and I could have gotten away with it, it's not like they have pink thread or butterflies painted on them or anything, in fact the only thing I could tell that makes them girl pants specifically was the purple tag that S&B had put on them – and that comes off before you even wash them, so I don’t know what the deal is. He did agree to wash them and see if they look girly on Landon and if they don't he'll let it slide. So if you see my son in girl pants, just don't say anything. Ok?