What the Hell did the Damn Duck Do now?

I kind of feel like I'm just missing a cane, a moomoo and house shoes, yelling at kids to "get off my lawn!!!" Telling stories about how in my day I had to walk to school, 10 miles, in the snow, up hill, both ways. And today, I gripe about "these childrens' books today..."

We took Landon to the book store the other day. Clint picked out a book that he thought was cool.

Duck in the Truck

It’s cute, it rhymes, it has a story to it.

The duck is driving along in his truck and he hits a rock and get stuck in the muck.

A frog, a sheep and a goat all go out of their way to help the duck out of the muck.
But the last page is where I really have the problem…when the duck’s truck is unstuck? He leaves the animals who helped him, stuck in the muck. He didn't say "Thank You." He didn't help those who helped him. He just. drove. off. GRRRRR.

It doesn’t have as easy a fix as my other childrens' book I have issues with. At least for this one:
I can just skip the page where his mother breaks into his house and rocks him…as an ADULT. She breaks into his house, people. It's creepy.

What happened to the stories like “Whose Mouse Are You?”

That mouse lost his whole family and systematically went about solving his own problem by getting them all back. We need more books like that. Problem solving mouse books. Bring ‘em on.

Or Sheldon’s Lunch. Yeah they screwed up the recipe. But those animals cleaned the WHOLE kitchen before Sheldon’s Mom got home. Sure, they created their own problem, but they also solved it.

Or Popcorn. At a Halloween party, the house is accidentally filled with popcorn, also, by the time the parents arrive home, problem is solved.

So I find myself picking up children's books now and looking at the end to make sure they don't have some kind of rude protagonist, teaching my kid to not even thank the people who help him. His books don't all need lessons, but at the very least, shouldn't they model basic polite behavior?

And it won't bother me in the least if my kid fills my house with popcorn or blueberry pancake batter without my knowledge as long as he cleans it up well enough that I don't even notice when I return. I want him to be a problem solver, and if that's what it takes, so be it. At least I won't have to clean it up.

Birthday Boy

We started with swimming and eating fajitas.

Hey mom, I think you set the table on fire.

What are you people singing about?

Icing is good, but I'm not sure about this whole cake thing, more icing please!

So, there's stuff under the tissue paper?

And as it turns out, we could have just bought him a dozen helium balloons and called it a day:

No MIPs?

I bet you thought you could come here for Birthday party pictures.

I thought you could too.

I don’t have my USB cable with me today. And the camera is all “No I won’t give them to the computer with out it.” Selfish.

So that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Instead want to hear about how I called the cops later that night?

Clint and Shane went to Clint’s parents’ hotel room, while I tried to get Landon to sleep at a reasonable hour.

SOME ONE we know didn’t go to sleep until like 11:20pm. I took him upstairs to his crib and went down to make myself a glass of ice water.

I looked out the window and some person is walking around Shane’s car. Weird.

I got my water, I went to the bathroom. I came back to see what they’re doing then.

They were still there. They looked like they were on the phone.

A car drove up and 4 more people got out.

They all walked around the car. They looked in the windows. After a few minutes they had been here too long for a “hey there’s this old car on ____ street, come look at it.” Way too long. Long enough for me to think. “I wonder if they’re deciding whether to take the radio, or the whole car.”

I locked the backdoor. I called Clint. “Uh…people outside, looking at Shane’s car. Unnerving.”

I hung up and I started shaking. This is not an emergency, you can’t call 911 because it’s not an emergency. Where is the regular phone number to the police station…city of ….no. I look up police. It’s under police,. But doesn’t say if it’s Ourtown or Town Nextdoor. I call anyway. I tell her I’m alone and I’m scared. And what’s going on, and she says she’s sending someone out.

I honestly thought if the cop showed up at the end of the street they’d scatter.

I called Clint and told him I called the cops.

The cops showed up. They sent a 12 year old. He was, literally smaller than my nephew.

Clint skidded around the corner about half way through their “investigation” Read: sit the kids on the curb and let them “think about what they’ve done.”

The 4 boys and 1 girl had a LOT of liquor – which they claimed to have found by the car. HAHAHA. It was cheap clear liquor. Nothing says “This is a teenager’s alcohol” like a $6 gallon of something clear.

They claimed they just thought it was a “cool car.” 2 were released to parents, 3 were allowed to just drive off! After finding them with gallons of liquor, he didn’t even do a field sobriety test. He just poured it out.

He said when he told them that what they were doing was a good way to get shot, that it’s like “their eyes were opened.” I think when they heard him say that they thought “if we act dumb, we won’t get in any trouble for this.” And they were right.

And then he tried to give us the bag. It’s not our bag. It’s their bag, you moron.

What happened to MIPs? Do they not give those out anymore?

Plan #5697

Wow, I was totally ready to change the side bar stuff and rework my whole plan.

But looking at it, it’s probably about the same.

I called my contact last night because it has been two weeks and I hadn’t heard anything from him. He said he didn’t get my email, so I’ll send it again. But I asked him over the phone if he would consider sponsoring me and he said yes!

So I will work under him for a minimum of 1 year and 200 inspections and then I can apply to be a professional inspector and work for myself. Or I may end up loving working for him and stick with him. I assume at some point I will go actually talk to him about the details of how he sponsors people. And what it would mean for him to sponsor me.

But YEA!

This opportunity to work for him is actually really a blessing. When the rules changed I wrote a pro/con sheet (I'm a nerd) about continuing to pursue the education vs. having him sponsor me (him specifically, because I didn’t know anyone else who could). It couldn’t have come out more pro for him than it did.

Monthly Newsletter #12

Dear Landon,

Today you turned 1. It was one year ago today when I lost a complete day of my life. I have no idea what happened. I know it wasn’t painful that day, but it was pretty painful in the weeks that followed. One year on the campaign trail of “Only Child or Bust.” Your target demographic seems to be in lock step with your views. Polls show you just might win.

This month you’ve taken your first steps. You had no idea you did it, you had no idea why everyone was so excited, you had no idea why Grandma was teasing you with a toy thinking you’d step to her, and JUST HAND IT TO ME WOMAN! You've done it since, but not a lot, probably because you didn’t know you did it to begin with. In the last couple days it's been more and more, so it’s only a matter of time.

Since we showed you how your walking cart is supposed to work, you’ve taken to grabbing anything you can find that slides and using it as a walker. A laundry basket slides nicely on all floors, the barstools are good on the tile, but not so much on carpet. And stupid baby gates get in your way.



You’re beginning to test your limits. You know what you’re supposed to be doing and what you’re not, we can tell by the way you smile at us when we tell you no. I’m pretty sure it’s a survival technique designed to disarm angry parents from killing their young for trying to climb the stairs for the 14th time in less than an hour. Or you’re a punk.

You’ve said some words besides “Mamama” and “Dadada” this month. We’re pretty sure you’re saying “Dogdogdog.” It sounds a lot like “Dadada” but you are normally looking at the dog when you say it. You will occasionally say “bye” to someone, but not on command, pretty much it’s only if they’re lucky. Then there’s the time I thought you might have said “kitty.” I’m not really sure what’s at work here. I mean, if you put 100 monkeys on typewriters, one of them is bound to type a word. You do a lot of “dee dee dee” noises. I kind of like that everything you say is in 3s. I would love to be Mamama, instead of Mama and then you can skip right on to “Mom.” (and God knows I do NOT want to be called "mommy".) Hey there’s a commercial for Volvo where this little girl is talking and talking and talking and her Dad is trying to be all attentive, but also trying to get the hell in the car and go somewhere, and he very carefully listens while he puts her in the car seat and has to close the door and get around to the driver side, and she never misses a beat, she just keeps talking. That’s you. Only we don’t know what the heck you’re saying.

I was getting the house ready for your birthday party and I set you up in the foyer with a couple toys, I gated the front door while I bleached the front patio. I could see you and talk to you and I thought it was a pretty good set up. You screamed as I walked away to get the hose from the side of the house, but you were perfectly fine and I could hear you talking to the dogs once I was out of sight. Until you saw me come back and then you screamed and pretended I had abandoned you and you had been screaming all along. We both know that’s not true, so cut that out. That’s not the only time I’ve observed this little manipulative trick of yours, you do it when I have the audacity to put you in your car seat and then lock the back door before we leave in the morning. Or when I try and go to the bathroom. Not cool.

Meanwhile, for all your punkish behavior, I almost called in cute and cuddly to work last week and its days like that when I can see why a lot of people have their babies about 2 years apart. Not that we fall into that category, see above, about the most excellent campaign you’re running.
Love,
Mamama

Death Threats

Someone is trying to kill me in the restroom at work.

I go in there a lot. I drink a lot of water.

And every time I have walked in this week, I am assaulted at the door. Bludgeoned even. By the scent of I don’t know… something overly flowery.

Now look, it’s a bathroom, I assume from time to time people will create a smell in there. And from time to time, it won’t smell like roses. But we have one of those nifty little box things on the wall that’s supposed to be for odor control and as far as I’m concerned I’d rather smell the business than the flowers, if you know what I mean.

So I’ve had a headache all week. Which is making concentrating on stuff that much harder. I guess I should count my blessings, at least it’s not lilac flavored. And I have yet to encounter people on their cell phones in there like I did at Previous Employer.

Small Change Challenge #10

Beth, at Playgroup Dropout, is totally using my challenge this month. WOOHOO!!

I cannot fail at my own challenge, I cannot fail at my own challenge, I cannot fail at my own challenge.

So the challenge is to go green.

This is so super easy to do, pick one or two or do them all.

Don’t litter.

Cut up the little rings on your 6 packs before trashing them.

Recycle.

Put a water saver thingy in your toilet (they have valves now that do this, but you can also use a brick in the tank.)

Use cloth napkins and dish towels instead of paper napkins and paper towels.

Run full loads of laundry and dishes instead of half loads.

Organize or participate in a trash clean-up. Or just pick up trash at your local park or whenever you’re out.

A couple posts ago I posted a couple websites to reduce your junk mail, sign up for those.

Plan your errands so that you use the least amount of gas (do a lot at one time, start at the furthest out and work your way back home.)

Buy reusable A/C return air filters.

Replace any burned out bulbs with compact fluorescent bulbs.

Use the library for books instead of buying them.

There are probably 100 more things I could list, I’ve only been typing this for 3 minutes and those are the ones I came up with off the top of my head. Feel free to add in the comments any ideas you have.

The beauty of this is that more than half of them, are not only good for the environment, but they’ll save you money in the long run.

Red Tip Root Conversations

“Here, pull on this and hold it like this, and I’m going to swing my axe right here and cut this.”

“Oh my god, I’m going to lose my hands today………Hey, don’t forget to get Landon out of the playpen when you take me to the hospital.”

“I won’t.”

Small Change Month #9 and boringness and excitingness

Beth of Playgroup dropout has not posted about her chairty stuff yet, but here's my summary for the month.

At work we had a dunking for dollars and hotdog and coke for $1 and car show that benefitted the MS150. I spent a whopping $2, and felt like a jerk, cause I had a huge report due that day and in order to finish it I had to run out and get my hotdogs and come back in.

And then Clint told me about how earlier this year he had pledged $25 to the American Diabetes Association, and he needed a check for it. So I was saved.

I'll update when we get a new challenge.

This weekend we spent getting ready for Landon's party next weekend. I was going to make him a cupcake car cake, but when I tried the mold, it was not very successful, not to mention it's only a few REALLY small cupcakes when it's done. So we went to Sam's and ordered a cake. And then we had a big debate about cooking vs. ordering food. And we decided to order food, because otherwise someone ends up working the whole time and doesn't get to enjoy the party. Chances are that next year his party will not be this big a deal. And I'm ok with that.

Oh and I almost forgot. He took about 5 or 6 unassisted steps in a row, 3 or 4 different times over the weekend. He's gaining confidence.

I left my bag at home today - so no pictures, maybe tomorrow.

Avoid the Noid

I just did the opt-out for this: I look forward to no longer receiving credit card offers on a daily basis. It should reduce my junk mail by 75% - good for the environment and less hassle for me, win-win.

www.optoutprescreen.com

I haven’t done this yet, but for $1 I can stop several other mailings – I believe this includes Valpak coupons, etc. I’d like to see what just the credit bureau business is going to stop and then I’ll move on to the other stuff.

https://www.dmaconsumers.org/cgi/offmailing

And for the annoying phone calls – if you registered your number when this thing first came out, it’s about to expire, you can check when it expires and re-up at this web-site. I registered mine 6/30/2003, it wasn’t going to expire for another year, but I thought, why risk it, and re-registered it.

www.donotcall.gov

Today's Lessons (#3 & #4)

When you're feeling like you’re missing something when you leave in the morning, you probably are. I normally take 4 bottles, 4 lids, and ice packs with me to work for pumping. One of the lids I brought yesterday was actually a ring – the kind you hold the nipple on the bottle with. And no ice packs. Thank god we have ice at work and I was able to pack a grocery bag with it. And I made the 3 bottles I did have work. Oh and I sent Landon off without a sippy cup – not that he uses it really.

Additional lesson, when your dogs are behaving themselves so well at dinner that you wonder where they are. Confirm where BOTH of them are, not just one. One asleep under the table, one outside eating grass until she pukes.

Videos Galore

I apologize, this is really dark. We'll try again later



Landon's first sand box experience.

Pop!

My bubble …it has been burst.

And I just…I can’t think of any words

There are no words right now. None. Well, there’s one word.

Craptastic.

There are also other words, but since my Grandma reads this blog, I’m not going to use them.

I sat on this for a day thinking it would be easier to write about and it’s just, it’s not.

It’s not easier. I should be used to it by now, because the cycle of my life is that I come up with a plan, a plan that has worked for 100s of other people, a plan I’m very excited about, I begin to implement that plan, and the universe takes a giant crap on my head. I brush the poop off and I reorganize my plan and I keep trying, I morph my plan until it only vaguely resembles my original plan and yet, I still am not making any headway.

Maybe that’s why I’m so hesitant to try new things, I figure it’s not going to work out for me anyway, why try. But this one was important to me and this one was a real plan and I thought I was done.

Remember my ethical dilemma? No, not the dead animal one, the early certificate one. If I hadn't been so ethical, I wouldn't be dealing with this right now. All I had left to do was paperwork and a test and they changed the rules on me 1 day after my last requirement was complete, but before I had a chance to apply. If I had taken that stupid early certificate and applied when I got it, I'd be on my way. But I didn't, I didn't think it was ethical. And NOW it's going to cost me a lot of money.

Hey, guess what though, I never learn. I have a NEW plan.

Actually I have 2 plans, 3 if you count the one where I plan to win the lotto. One of the 2 depends heavily on the willingness of a 3rd party. So once I contact him and get the “No Way.” Or the “Okay.” I will unveil my new plan. Plan #5697.

A New Direction

Landon has been standing up in the middle of the floor on his own for some time. He has been cruising along holding on to various pieces of furniture and toys.

On Saturday afternoon he took his first unassisted step. To me! Completely unprovoked! Mah preshus babee is growing up.

Of course he has no idea what he did. And he's only done it once since then, towards Clint.

Video of him with a walker cart thingy to come later this week.

Wordless Wednesday

Explanation

The last post was a favor to a friend.

There’s a special place in our hearts for gnomes. She may very well have a painted cement garden gnome in her parents’ attic, and we may or may not have spent several days out in her backyard creating homes for gnomes…actually that might have been the fairies, but whatever, we liked the gnomes.

In Scotland there’s a loch, Loch Fyne to be exact where scuba divers have dropped gnomes in a certain area, creating an underground gnome garden. The main dropper of gnomes says he encourages others to drop their gnomes as well.

The idea behind the post is that “I dropped my gnome in it” could conceivably replace “I put my two cents in.”

I also believe is could replace other sayings, it’s a smurf of a saying:

“Shut Up!” “Oh, drop a gnome in it.”
“It’s not rocket science.” “It’s not gnome dropping.”

So, go forth and gnome it up.

Getting it out there

I do not normally post my views on politics or religion or parenting decisions on my blog. As such I will probably never get the “you have arrived” hate mail that the big bloggers seem to get. As it is, either you know me or Clint, or you came here looking for a recipe for tomato soup from scratch, and a select few of you may have followed a link when I commented on your site. As a matter of fact I’m having a lot of trouble trying to make a controversial post just to get a 6 word sentence on the end out into the world.

Why? There are 2 categories really:

Category 1: I don’t care about the decisions in your life that have no bearing on mine.
Category 2: I think you're a person capable of making informed decisions and do not need my opinion unless you ask for it.

But mainly, I don't care.

I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or married or civil unioned. I don’t care if you bottle feed or breastfeed your baby. I don’t care if you’re Buddhist or Christian. Or Muslim, or Atheist, or Wiccan. I don’t care if you co-sleep or crib sleep. I don’t care if you use cloth or disposable diapers. I also don’t care what kind of toilet paper you use, so there! I don’t care if you work or stay home. I don’t care if you make $1,000,000 and I don’t care if you don’t even make $10. I don’t care if you have 17 children, or 7 children, or maybe none. I don't care if you potty train at 2 or 3 or 4 or beyond. I don't care if you homeschool or send your kids to public school. I don't care if you're a democrat or republican. I don't care what kind of car you drive. I don't care if you have an abortion or not. I don't care if you circumcise or not, I don't care if you vaccinate or not.

It's not my business.

So there, "I dropped my gnome in it."

Solid proof that the truck is mine

Clint and I had a gas mileage conversation last weekend where he discovered that I had been getting about 400 miles/tank, and a tank was lasting me 9 days. In which I revealed that I was not using the A/C unless absolutely necessary. Disturbed that I was able to do this and that he never was when he drove the truck, and inspired by how I achieved it, this week, he didn’t use his A/C all week and still got the same gas mileage in his car. He suffered for nothing.

Just wait until he hears this: I last filled up on August 30. I still have half a tank of gas.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!

The Next Jerry Lee Lewis

Except without all that cousin marrying stuff.

Trying something new...

Doing it the normal way, just in case.

Which do you prefer? Format wise?

Small Change Challenge – The cop-out

What?

It’s September already?

No seriously, so much stuff I didn’t do this month.

I was supposed to donate to a school supply drive. There was one at work, but it was the brokest week of our lives, so I didn’t get to buy anything for it and all of the sudden it was over.

**Rummages through desk.**

What did I do, what did I do…I gave a co-worker one of my apple pies. He’s not a kid, he could have afforded his own apple pie. Doesn’t count.

My bone marrow donation card came in. I already used that one though.

I think this is the month I have to use my ace in the hole. This is the month I have to play that card and it means for the rest of the year I have to behave myself and actually follow through on challenges.

Dang it.

Here it goes.

I’m a Girl Scout leader. I have been for 5 years, this school year will be our troop’s 6th year. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in my office, bored off my butt, thinking, what I need is an extra curricular activity. I know! I’ll get my sister to let me be a Daisy leader for her daughter. When I was a brownie, my troop leader was a young engineer – she wasn’t even related to anyone in the troop. And so I called and began the arduous process of setting it up.

I got online and I heard all these horror stories about troops and parents and behavior problems and un-reliability. I was scared. But I have been blessed with quite possibly the best troop ever.

I don’t mind doing the paperwork. And when I decided to have a baby, I told the Moms that I needed more help, and they stepped up (well, those who didn’t, quit.) I have 7 girls in my troop. And I love every one of them. I am so glad I did this, it’s totally worth it.

Hey, I can even tie this into the month of August. This month we took the girls on their annual cookie trip. My parents allowed us to use their lake house, we built a campfire, took a night hike, looked at stars, swam, played a little bit with compasses (the directional kind, not the circle kind.) They had a blast. They earned 3 badges and had a blast doing it. Their only complaint? Why can’t we stay longer?