Did you know that 83% of arguments are actually the result of miscommunication? (And that 100% of the statistics on this post are completely fabricated?)
How many times have you gotten into an argument and found out at the end of it all, that you both were nearly on the same side all along? Or been in one where one side or the other (OR BOTH) took something the "wrong way" and then it spiraled out of control.
Communicating clearly is probably the easiest way to avoid arguments. But even when you think you are communicating clearly, you may not be.
Something, oddly enough, that I learned in my inspection classes. Did you know that when 2 people are talking there are 6 sides to the conversation? It only gets more confused after another person joins in – it doubles – 3 people talking 12 sides. 4 people talking? 20 sides. (Note to self, only ever talk to one person at a time.) For you math junkies:
n=number of people in conversation
n*(n+1)=number of sides to the conversation
No wonder people have such a hard time communicating. Let’s break it down in the simplest form: 2 people are talking. (You and Me)
6 sides:
1) What I said
2) What I think I said
3) What You think I said
4) What You said
5) What I think You said
6) What You think You Said
In some cases 1, 2, & 3 are the same, and 4, 5, & 6 are the same. Sometimes. Probably not as often as you’d think.
Take a simple actual conversation like this:
Billy Joe - “Sure is cold out today.”
Bobbie Sue - “The weather man said it would warm up later on.”
Sounds reasonable, let’s work through it though:
1) Billy Joe said “Sure is cold out today.”
2) Billy Joe thinks he said “I’m really cold, I had to put on an extra layer of clothes”
3) Bobbie Sue thinks BillyJoe said “Why aren’t you wearing your jacket, you moron?”
4) Bobbie Sue said “The weather man said it would warm up later on.”
5) Billy Joe thinks Bobbie Sue said “I’m not a sissy like you, so I don’t need extra clothes.”
6) Bobbie Sue thinks she said “I’m not wearing a jacket, because I didn’t want to be hot later.”
It’s probably not that charged a conversation in real life, but it’s possible. And it’s just an example, get off my back people. (See what I did there? And you’re not even actually saying anything, but I’m thinking you said something and I responded to what I thought you said and you probably didn’t mean it that way.)
That's probably why therapists say things like "What I hear you saying is _______." It gives the other side a chance to clarify. It might be worth putting into practice, when someone says something to you and you think they're attacking you, just repeating back to them what you heard, to make sure you got it right. Once you know what they mean, you can rear back and ball your fist only when necessary, and retreat if they didn't mean it like that.
Anyway, it’s just a small nugget of information that has helped me avoid some conflicts (note I said some, not all) since I learned it, maybe it can do the same for you.
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2 comments:
Thats funny. I've heard the 6 sides of a conversation before but I never really understood it. I always think of it as "Your side, my side, and the truth".
It's good advice to think about. In my training, we learned to clarify statements that someone else makes, and that in and of itself helps to solidify what the person is saying.
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