Actual conversations with my husband

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I have a headache. Actually it might be meningitis.”

“Meningitis? Why would it be meningitis?”

“Because my neck is stiff.”

“Oh, well then I’ve had meningitis for years.”

“Well why the hell did you give it to me?”

“Because I can.”

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(This is based on a sign giving silver alerts (like amber alerts but for elderly people) that we both see on the way home from work. It generally says something cryptic like “MISSING ELDERY BLUE BUICK TEMPLE, TX.”)

“Good god, another elderly Buick is missing.”

“There have been a lot of those in the past 6 months.”

“You’d think there’d be a better way to find a stolen car.”

“I know, and apparently they’re not classic cars, they’re elderly.”