No Words

Grandma Attractor 3000

Do you find yourself needing a Grandma to talk to, not necessarily yours, or your child’s, but an extra Grandma? Do you often walk the aisles at your local box store thinking… “if only someone a little older, female, and possibly with gray hair would talk to me, I would be happy?”

Worry no more. Have I got the solution for you!!

A tidy package, weighing in at under 20 lbs, what you need is the Grandma Attractor 3000.

Features include:
Attracting most Grandmothers within a 20 foot radius, or within eyesight.
Emitting a delicious aroma, which lures Grandmas, even on different aisles.
Heart melting smiles and giggles.

Conversations include, but are not limited to:
Age – “When my son was….” Or “My Grandson is that age.”
Model details – “What is his name?” “Oh, what a lovely name!”
Size – “Oh, he’s so big!”
Demeanor – “What a sweet little boy!” “He’s so alert!”
Appearance – “What a fine-looking young lad!”
Milestones – “Is he [XYZ]ing yet?”

You’ll hear these gems over and over again:
“What a cutie!”
“I have to tell you, that your [Grandma Attractor 3000] is beautiful.”
“Oh, how precious!”

All this can be yours, for the low low price, of every last cent of your “extra” income from here to eternity – or at least for the next 18 years.


Accessories sold separately, owner’s manual not included, not responsible for tardiness due to having to stop and actually hold conversations with said Grandmas, void where prohibited, 18 years is a low estimate for pricing. Grandma allure may wear off during certain times of development, and most certainly will not be as cute at home as when out in public. Grandma Attractor 3000 has also been known to attract others who own their own Grandma Attractor, and lead to conversations as well. Ask your doctor if the Grandma Attractor 3000 is right for you.

One week, Uncensored

You would think the insides of a tomato would be juicy and gooey and seedy. You’d be wrong. Tomatoes are filled with red sand and stuck with pins. They also have a strawberry attached, in case you want to separate your needles. The amount of sand will lightly cover your entire loft and living room. And they are known enemies of boxers. Ask me how I know! I only wish we had pictures for this.

I had a bridal shower to attend on Saturday. It was 2 houses down from me and I left my invitation at work. But I figured it would be at 2. 2 o’clock seems reasonable, right? I sent Clint off with Landon to Jay’s to go help pick up a deep freeze and generally hang out with them. I didn’t want to be the first one there, so I looked down the street and there were a lot of cars already in the driveway, so I headed on over. It was not at 2, those were the cars of the 6 hostesses. Yep 6. And it was at 3. I showed up at 2 and THEY WOULDN’T LET ME LEAVE. So I listened to a bunch of older ladies talk about their daughter’s pregnancies and what I can only imagine are yippy little dogs, and how embarrassed they are that the girl dog “Abby,” HORROR of HORRORS lifts her leg to pee. They asked how I knew Jennifer and I told them. And then another one asked and I told her, and then another one asked and I told her – even though all these women were in the room EVERY TIME I told the story.

In hanging out with Jay, Clint found out that one of Landon’s favorite toys while over there is a nylon skimmer.

And that Noah has his own slotted spoon. Not to be outdone, I gave him a slotted spoon for home. I don’t even know why we buy toys. That spoon kept him occupied for several hours. It’s a perfectly good pretend guitar, it works well as a dog whacker, sticking your tongue in the slots can be especially fun, and playing it like a bass, also seems logical.


Landon’s maternal grandparents brought the crib bars up, and we got to visit with his great grandmother as well. We took them out to dinner, where he was enthralled with the cooks at the Mongolian BBQ place.

Now that we have the cage crib, we have to transition him to sleep in it. We just got it Sunday, so he has not slept in it yet. We decided to try on a weekend night first, that will give us a few days to try and put stuff up in his room (not that he cares) and possibly buy a rocking chair to replace the one on which we broke a weld. Also, I have to convert the slip cover into cushions for a new one. And if things go horribly awry – at least we won’t have to get up at 5:30am the next morning.

Operation Border Application did not go well.

A New Challenge – Assignment America

This month’s challenge from Beth at Playgroup Dropout is to eat cereal one or two nights a week and use the saved money to donate to a charity of your choice. She’s going to try and not eat out at all for a month and use the saved money to donate, as compared to her previous month’s expenses. She’s also giving us 6 weeks, so we don’t report back until April 2.

Well, I have nothing against cereal, in fact we used to do that in an effort to save money a few years back. My problem now lies in the fact that Landon seems to have a cow’s milk protein allergy. It’s one of the VERY few things that I can eat and that will pass through into my milk. (Nut proteins, caffeine, and alcohol do as well.) We have noticed when I do try and sneak in some form of milk that I suffer for it in the form of inconsolability in Landon. I’m lucky in that, some women even have to give up things like pancakes that are made with milk, in his case, it seems to be the raw milk that’s the issue. I haven’t had more than an ounce of cheese in a 24 hour period in like 2 months – and most days I get none. It’s enough to make a person stop breastfeeding, if she wasn’t so cheap and didn’t want to pay for formula. GOD, I MISS CHEESE. Hello, My name is Kristine, and I’m a cheese-aholic. Not to mention that I miss my daily glass of milk. Oh and Rice Dream (Rice milk’s answer to ice cream) is $7 for a quart – are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?

This is not to say that he will not grow out of it, because chances are, that he will, they say about 20% of infants have this allergy, and grow out of it by the time they are 1. The less of it I drink/eat and the less he eats/drinks of it – the better chance he has of growing out of it – and it just pretty much means keeping him away from cow’s milk and milk products until he’s over one. I’m sure this will prove more difficult as he ventures into “solid” food and people start trying to feed him stuff he’s not supposed to have, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it – just think for a second about the things you eat that you would give a toddler that have milk in them…mashed potatoes, pudding, ice cream, macaroni and cheese, pretty much anything with cheese on it. The mind boggles.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right – charity. Yeah, so cereal is out – have you ever eaten cereal with Orange Juice on it? BLEGH. This year, we decided to eat more at home anyway, budgetary constraints – trying to be a little healthier, etc. So I’m already cooking at home more. But I do think I can find some little ways to save. I doubt it will be much, but it will be some, and the idea is that I make a sacrifice in order to give a little. It’s doable.

What I need, are ideas for a charity to which I should donate. Originally this was meant to go to children, so a children’s charity of some kind would be ideal, but I’m open to any suggestions. And now…for “Assignment America” – I need at least 5 suggestions before I post again….so get on it.

Monthly Newsletter #5

Dear Landon,

Every month I take a picture of you specifically for this newsletter and every month I look back at the old ones and I think “Hey, who switched my kid?” You look nothing like any of your pictures from months past. And it’s then that I realize I haven’t been taking you in for professional pictures like other people do. I am going to do my best to have it done for your 6 month picture though. So, quit hounding me about it.


This month has been all about teeth. Teeth and hickeys. It seems that you have no interest whatsoever in your teething ring, it’s much easier and probably more fun to chew on people. Thank goodness I don’t wear a lot of sleeveless shirts out in public, I look like a 16 year old who went necking at make-out point. It doesn’t necessarily have to be people, it can be whatever is handy, like the floater thing in the pool.


Or the dashboard of your car swing. Your dad doesn’t care for the stickers that came with the car, so it looks a little naked right now, but he’s got some ideas he’s kicking around, never fear. (Apparently girls can have princess stickers, but boys are left to advertise for Lowe’s.)


You’ve spent this month staying during the day with Linda and Noah. You and Noah have developed a kind of screaming conversational pattern. You seem to understand each other, in the way that they say twins have their own language. Which is good, because no one else can understand either of you, so at least you have each other.





Your first foray into swimming was the hot tub. We kept the heat kind of low and stuck you in your floaty thing. You had wide eyed shock at first, but once you figured out that everything was nice and cozy in there and that you could lean forward and suck on the float, you were perfectly happy. When Noah came over, we let him use your float, as you were getting a bit tired of it, and you had a wonderful time staring at the bubbles coming up all around us. I can’t wait until it warms up and we can get you out in the main pool kicking around. Noah has the same car float we’re going to get you, so you two can have screamin’ bumper car fun this summer.

Love,
Mom

P.S. We have one more month before you start solid foods, do you think you could work on that sitting up thing? Thanks.

My sincere apologies

Dear Irish Mob,

I am so sorry I neglected the Shamrock Socks in my quest to find a reason to keep the giant footwear hung by my chimney with care. Please forgive me, as I always viewed St. Patrick’s Day as a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” button wearing holiday, and less of a gift giving holiday. Maybe my lack of stockings has kept me from receiving my pot of gold. I sincerely did not intend to anger you. Target has pretty much trained me which upcoming holiday deserves my focus and their decorations tell me that Easter is next. Although now that you mention it, they do have a small green area to the side of all the pastels. Fearing that my pot of gold would not fit in them (as I am now expecting a pot of gold equal to the total of the 27 years I have been skipped over plus this normal one), I put the stockings away this week. The Mystical Leprechaun is welcome to place my pot of gold anywhere he finds space in the living room. Please don’t have me whacked.

Thank you,
Kristine

P.S. – A St. Patrick’s Day peace offering: