And let that be a warning to all the other snakes out there.

I was nearly eaten by an anaconda in my own back yard. The first person I called/texted replied he “doesn’t do snakes.” For the record I wasn’t asking him to “do” the snake, I was asking him to kill it or relocate it. So then, while staring the snake down with my meanest eyes and possibly invoking “the force” to keep it from moving, I decided it would be in my best interest to run next door and acquire someone with a will to kill – I thought I was probably looking for someone with a penis and a hunting tendency, so I headed to the house with the 3 teenage boys who are always cleaning their trucks and doing something with a deer stand in their driveway, but the family wasn’t home, so I headed in the other direction. I got my neighbor and his older daughter (about 11) to come over and by the time we got back, the snake had moved. He said to come on back by if it showed up again. So I started looking, because if I didn’t find that snake it was going to haunt me forever.

I found the snake in the expansion joint between the garage and the patio and screamed. They heard me and headed back over. Followed by the wife and her mother. He coaxed the snake out and used the tile scraper his wife had brought with her to hold him down. I handed over my shovel and the wife and her mother killed the hell out of the snake. I have never seen two more determined women in my life. I give you exhibit a:

Upon posthumous inspection, we decided it was a hognose, non-venomous – but the only kind of snake I like is a dead snake, so that’s fine by me. I left the snake out there for the rest of the day as a warning to the other snakes. And that seems to have worked, because although I am now super cautious when stepping out my back door and have a new patio scanning technique – I haven’t seen any other snakes.

I have however found a dead mouse. And when I found it , at first I was pissed off that I was going to have to pick it up – because I don’t like picking up dead animals. I prefer to have someone else do that. But being that the other person in my household is 4 years old, and doesn’t understand that he shouldn’t touch everything inside a portapotty, I kind of don’t think it’s in his best interest to have him picking up dead animals. And then I thought, what if it springs back to life and tries to bite me – like a zombie mouse. And I’m not sure of the rules of zombies and whether a zombie bite will transcend species, but it’s not a chance I’m willing to take. And of course briefly I thought about the fact that a week earlier I had ordered killed it’s possible predator and if I hadn’t maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with this. And that thought was cleared by the fact that I am not afraid of mice, I am afraid of snakes, so I’d rather deal with a mouse (and preferably a dead one over a live one) than a snake, and thank goodness this was one animal that didn’t require killing.

I’m pretty sure it was a victim of one of my cats, given the teeth marks on its nose, they leave me presents like that occasionally, and I keep telling them that I prefer James Avery and if they’d like me to show which one exactly I would be more than willing, but they insist on the dead animals, so what can you do?