And let that be a warning to all the other snakes out there.

I was nearly eaten by an anaconda in my own back yard. The first person I called/texted replied he “doesn’t do snakes.” For the record I wasn’t asking him to “do” the snake, I was asking him to kill it or relocate it. So then, while staring the snake down with my meanest eyes and possibly invoking “the force” to keep it from moving, I decided it would be in my best interest to run next door and acquire someone with a will to kill – I thought I was probably looking for someone with a penis and a hunting tendency, so I headed to the house with the 3 teenage boys who are always cleaning their trucks and doing something with a deer stand in their driveway, but the family wasn’t home, so I headed in the other direction. I got my neighbor and his older daughter (about 11) to come over and by the time we got back, the snake had moved. He said to come on back by if it showed up again. So I started looking, because if I didn’t find that snake it was going to haunt me forever.

I found the snake in the expansion joint between the garage and the patio and screamed. They heard me and headed back over. Followed by the wife and her mother. He coaxed the snake out and used the tile scraper his wife had brought with her to hold him down. I handed over my shovel and the wife and her mother killed the hell out of the snake. I have never seen two more determined women in my life. I give you exhibit a:

Upon posthumous inspection, we decided it was a hognose, non-venomous – but the only kind of snake I like is a dead snake, so that’s fine by me. I left the snake out there for the rest of the day as a warning to the other snakes. And that seems to have worked, because although I am now super cautious when stepping out my back door and have a new patio scanning technique – I haven’t seen any other snakes.

I have however found a dead mouse. And when I found it , at first I was pissed off that I was going to have to pick it up – because I don’t like picking up dead animals. I prefer to have someone else do that. But being that the other person in my household is 4 years old, and doesn’t understand that he shouldn’t touch everything inside a portapotty, I kind of don’t think it’s in his best interest to have him picking up dead animals. And then I thought, what if it springs back to life and tries to bite me – like a zombie mouse. And I’m not sure of the rules of zombies and whether a zombie bite will transcend species, but it’s not a chance I’m willing to take. And of course briefly I thought about the fact that a week earlier I had ordered killed it’s possible predator and if I hadn’t maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with this. And that thought was cleared by the fact that I am not afraid of mice, I am afraid of snakes, so I’d rather deal with a mouse (and preferably a dead one over a live one) than a snake, and thank goodness this was one animal that didn’t require killing.

I’m pretty sure it was a victim of one of my cats, given the teeth marks on its nose, they leave me presents like that occasionally, and I keep telling them that I prefer James Avery and if they’d like me to show which one exactly I would be more than willing, but they insist on the dead animals, so what can you do?

Monthly Newsletter #55

Dear Landon,

This month we played T-ball. And then we played some more T-ball and then we played a little more T-ball.

Love,

Mommy

Kidding! Yes, we played a lot of T-ball this month, but we did manage to squeeze in a few other things as well.

You are getting better at T-ball, albeit slowly, you only have three more games this season, but you have already said you want to play again next year. Maybe next year your attention span will be such that you can stop playing in the dirt, or with your hat while you’re in the field. Maybe next year you’ll be that big kid on the team that understands the game and the skill level of the other kids and compensates for them (this year that kid is the reason for 99% of our outs.) Anyway, I bought you a tee just like coach Fred uses, so we can practice.

Also this month we went to another show at Miller Outdoor Theater. You immediately made friends with a couple other kids on the hill when we got there. I am still amazed at your ability to do that. I mean, from the kid who 2 years ago froze in the presence of strangers to a kid who walks up to a stranger and asks if he can play…I wish I had that skill. We watched a show call Luma, it wasn’t as good at the Aluminum show we saw last month, but it was still pretty cool. I don’t see any other super exciting shows on the schedule for the rest of the season, but I’ll check it out again to be sure, because you do enjoy going out there and sitting on the hill and falling asleep on a blanket.

You had another birthday party at Chuck E Cheese this month, it was for a kid in your class whose Dad plays for the Houston Rockets. Information you didn’t tell me until you decided you wanted to go see him play, which you announced exactly 2 days after the last game of the season. Hopefully his contract will be renewed/extended, whatever it is they do and we’ll go see him next year. I believe you have a cousin and an uncle who wouldn’t mind accompanying you on that particular outing.

We also kept Baby Jack for a week this month. That baby is so awesome, and we both already miss him. He surprisingly made my life much easier. We got him on Easter morning and kept him until the following Sunday. While he was at the house, each morning we were able to get up and get going earlier and your attitude was very helpful.

You also spent a couple weekends this month with your Daddy at his new apartment. I’m so glad you’re finally getting to spend more time with him, it’s important that you do that, and you guys even made your Star of the Week poster for school together. Also, I don't know if it's playing the wii with your Daddy or the Tball, but you're getting much better at baseball on the Wii too!

One thing we need to work on is your gender stereotyping. I finished building my crawfish table this month. In the middle of putting the legs on, you said "Anyway Mommy, why are you building this, girls can't build things, only boys can." And I just about tackled you. I told you girls can build stuff too, and don't ever tell a girl she can't do something just because she's a girl. I didn't mention that depending on the girl she might deck you, but if you keep up that chauvinistic attitude you’ll find that out soon enough.

Oh and still working on sleeping in your own bed. You did finally admit that your bed is uncomfortable, which I completely agree. The mattress we used for the crib is the same mattress we’re using for the bed and it was purposefully hard when we bought it, but now it seems a bit too hard, and I’m a person who can sleep on a carpeted floor and be fine, so if I think it’s hard, you know it’s hard. We’ll go shopping this weekend for one and I’ll let you pick it out.

Otherwise keep up the good work.

Love,

Mommy