And let that be a warning to all the other snakes out there.

I was nearly eaten by an anaconda in my own back yard. The first person I called/texted replied he “doesn’t do snakes.” For the record I wasn’t asking him to “do” the snake, I was asking him to kill it or relocate it. So then, while staring the snake down with my meanest eyes and possibly invoking “the force” to keep it from moving, I decided it would be in my best interest to run next door and acquire someone with a will to kill – I thought I was probably looking for someone with a penis and a hunting tendency, so I headed to the house with the 3 teenage boys who are always cleaning their trucks and doing something with a deer stand in their driveway, but the family wasn’t home, so I headed in the other direction. I got my neighbor and his older daughter (about 11) to come over and by the time we got back, the snake had moved. He said to come on back by if it showed up again. So I started looking, because if I didn’t find that snake it was going to haunt me forever.

I found the snake in the expansion joint between the garage and the patio and screamed. They heard me and headed back over. Followed by the wife and her mother. He coaxed the snake out and used the tile scraper his wife had brought with her to hold him down. I handed over my shovel and the wife and her mother killed the hell out of the snake. I have never seen two more determined women in my life. I give you exhibit a:

Upon posthumous inspection, we decided it was a hognose, non-venomous – but the only kind of snake I like is a dead snake, so that’s fine by me. I left the snake out there for the rest of the day as a warning to the other snakes. And that seems to have worked, because although I am now super cautious when stepping out my back door and have a new patio scanning technique – I haven’t seen any other snakes.

I have however found a dead mouse. And when I found it , at first I was pissed off that I was going to have to pick it up – because I don’t like picking up dead animals. I prefer to have someone else do that. But being that the other person in my household is 4 years old, and doesn’t understand that he shouldn’t touch everything inside a portapotty, I kind of don’t think it’s in his best interest to have him picking up dead animals. And then I thought, what if it springs back to life and tries to bite me – like a zombie mouse. And I’m not sure of the rules of zombies and whether a zombie bite will transcend species, but it’s not a chance I’m willing to take. And of course briefly I thought about the fact that a week earlier I had ordered killed it’s possible predator and if I hadn’t maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with this. And that thought was cleared by the fact that I am not afraid of mice, I am afraid of snakes, so I’d rather deal with a mouse (and preferably a dead one over a live one) than a snake, and thank goodness this was one animal that didn’t require killing.

I’m pretty sure it was a victim of one of my cats, given the teeth marks on its nose, they leave me presents like that occasionally, and I keep telling them that I prefer James Avery and if they’d like me to show which one exactly I would be more than willing, but they insist on the dead animals, so what can you do?

Monthly Newsletter #55

Dear Landon,

This month we played T-ball. And then we played some more T-ball and then we played a little more T-ball.

Love,

Mommy

Kidding! Yes, we played a lot of T-ball this month, but we did manage to squeeze in a few other things as well.

You are getting better at T-ball, albeit slowly, you only have three more games this season, but you have already said you want to play again next year. Maybe next year your attention span will be such that you can stop playing in the dirt, or with your hat while you’re in the field. Maybe next year you’ll be that big kid on the team that understands the game and the skill level of the other kids and compensates for them (this year that kid is the reason for 99% of our outs.) Anyway, I bought you a tee just like coach Fred uses, so we can practice.

Also this month we went to another show at Miller Outdoor Theater. You immediately made friends with a couple other kids on the hill when we got there. I am still amazed at your ability to do that. I mean, from the kid who 2 years ago froze in the presence of strangers to a kid who walks up to a stranger and asks if he can play…I wish I had that skill. We watched a show call Luma, it wasn’t as good at the Aluminum show we saw last month, but it was still pretty cool. I don’t see any other super exciting shows on the schedule for the rest of the season, but I’ll check it out again to be sure, because you do enjoy going out there and sitting on the hill and falling asleep on a blanket.

You had another birthday party at Chuck E Cheese this month, it was for a kid in your class whose Dad plays for the Houston Rockets. Information you didn’t tell me until you decided you wanted to go see him play, which you announced exactly 2 days after the last game of the season. Hopefully his contract will be renewed/extended, whatever it is they do and we’ll go see him next year. I believe you have a cousin and an uncle who wouldn’t mind accompanying you on that particular outing.

We also kept Baby Jack for a week this month. That baby is so awesome, and we both already miss him. He surprisingly made my life much easier. We got him on Easter morning and kept him until the following Sunday. While he was at the house, each morning we were able to get up and get going earlier and your attitude was very helpful.

You also spent a couple weekends this month with your Daddy at his new apartment. I’m so glad you’re finally getting to spend more time with him, it’s important that you do that, and you guys even made your Star of the Week poster for school together. Also, I don't know if it's playing the wii with your Daddy or the Tball, but you're getting much better at baseball on the Wii too!

One thing we need to work on is your gender stereotyping. I finished building my crawfish table this month. In the middle of putting the legs on, you said "Anyway Mommy, why are you building this, girls can't build things, only boys can." And I just about tackled you. I told you girls can build stuff too, and don't ever tell a girl she can't do something just because she's a girl. I didn't mention that depending on the girl she might deck you, but if you keep up that chauvinistic attitude you’ll find that out soon enough.

Oh and still working on sleeping in your own bed. You did finally admit that your bed is uncomfortable, which I completely agree. The mattress we used for the crib is the same mattress we’re using for the bed and it was purposefully hard when we bought it, but now it seems a bit too hard, and I’m a person who can sleep on a carpeted floor and be fine, so if I think it’s hard, you know it’s hard. We’ll go shopping this weekend for one and I’ll let you pick it out.

Otherwise keep up the good work.

Love,

Mommy

I know, no one wants to hear about your dreams

but, someone needs to know that the very worst part about dreaming you did the laundry - is waking up to find out that you in fact did NOT do the laundry, but you feel like you already did it and you wasted a perfectly good dream on it.

Put this on this list of things I never thought I'd say

"No Jack, you are only allowed to touch your OWN penis!"

 

Yeah, okay, maybe that warrants an explanation.  I'm taking care of an extra 2 year old this week (Jack) while his parents are on vacation.  And the way I see it, 2 year olds and 4 years olds can bathe at the same time.  The first night I ended up with 2 naked boys to be dried off side by side - hence the grab, hence the saying.  I have since learned that leaving the big one in the shower while I tend to the little one works much better.  No penis grabbing or wet naked running around the house.

 

The rest of my vocabulary has been reduced to the following:

 

"Leave it!"

 

"Put it back."

 

"Come on boys."

 

"No hitting!"

 

"You have to share."

 

"No screaming."

 

There are, by the way, huge perks in this arrangement, not the least of which is that when I tell Landon that Jack is awake in the morning, Landon wakes up and gets moving and we've actually left the house earlier every day this week than we do when I have one less person to get out the door, not to mention the fact that we're eating breakfast at home, and normally we eat in the car on the way to school or at school.  The math on that equation doesn't quite add up, but never look a gift horse in the mouth.  (A saying I thought was because horses spit or bite or something, but then I remembered it's camels that spit, so you should probably also not be looking gift camels in the mouth either.  And because I can't leave anything alone, I now know that it's because if someone gave you a horse and you looked in their mouth you could figure out their age, thereby assessing the value of the gift, which you're not supposed to do, tis rude.)

 

Luckily for me, Jack is the kind of baby you can put in his crib at 8:30 and walk away from, and not have to deal with him again until morning.  And the kind of baby who fusses for about 15-20 seconds and then gets on with his life when something he doesn't like is happening.  I would keep him if I thought I could get away with it.

Wild cows!!!

On the way home from Girl Scouts we pass a pasture with cattle.  The fence is barbed wire, so you pretty much can see mainly the posts from a distance, but not the wires necessarily.  This past Tuesday they were particularly close to the fence, so I pointed them out.

 

"Oh, look Landon, do you see those cows?"

 

"Yeah, they're just standing out there...I think they prolly must be wild cows."

 

"Wild cows?  I don't think...ARE there wild cows? I'm pretty sure, they're just regular cows, somebody's cows."

 

"No, they're wild cows."

 

"How can you tell that they're wild cows?"

 

"Well, I don't see a gate or anything, so they must be wild."

Two happy dudes!

Monthly Newsletter #54

Dear Landon,

Whoa, slow down buddy, you’re growing up too fast!

You had your very first actual T-ball game. You probably had the largest entourage there, 2 parents, 2 grandparents, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and 3 cousins (I won’t count the ones who are related to you but were actually there for Noah, but if you counted them, there’d be another 5). The game lasted 2 full innings. Although we didn’t keep score, we all know you guys won! And as a bonus, it was hilariously awesome, and no one cried!

I took you to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo this year for the first time. So you saw your very first rodeo and your very first concert. When we first arrived you decided we must play games, so we played a few games, at none of which you won anything, although it didn’t seem to bother you, and why would it? It wasn’t your money. Then we made our way through the crowd to the stadium, bought yet another light up sword type thing, and started our trek all the way up to the 600 level, you decided you needed peanuts and a sprite. And we found our seats.

I had an inside scoop on getting us into the Grand Entry – but unfortunately, I didn’t know until it was too late. Next year I’ll get him to hook us up for sure. I guess in hindsight it was actually better this way, because I wouldn’t have been able to top it for next year if we had gotten in.

The rodeo began with the calf roping. The cowboy roped the neck of the calf, jumped off his horse, ran over and knocked the calf over and tied the three legs together in a matter of seconds. The calf laid there very still while the cowboy awaited the judges ruling to release him. You had an expression on your face that made me think you were going to be signing up for PETA the second we got home. I told you calmly to keep watching, that the cow was okay, they were going to untie him in a second and he would jump up and run on his way. Which he did, and you relaxed. Thank goodness. I don’t have the heart to tell you what they did to the horses and bulls to make them buck like that, but I did tell you they made them mad on purpose. All in all, you were most impressed by the mutton busting – probably because the contestants were more your size. Maybe you’d be up for it next year – we’ll see – but I kind of think we’re going to do the grand entry instead.

The entertainer was Gary Allan. I had bought a greatest hits CD and it’s all I played in the car for the week prior to the rodeo. When he started his first song, you turned to me wide eyed and said “MOM! I recognize this song!” You danced and made the teenagers sitting around us laugh, but after about 5 or 6 songs you got bored and said we had to go outside and ride some rides. Unfortunately while waiting in the ticket line I got sick for no apparent reason, and we had to make our way back to the car. So much was left undone – we rode no rides, we didn’t shop for boots for you. We still have a ton of cowboy stuff to explore next year!

You also lost your very first tooth this month. I thought it took longer for teeth to fall out, but you pointed out their looseness to me on Sunday afternoon and when I woke you up Monday morning one was gone! I asked about what you thought the tooth fairy might bring, and told you that she always brought me money. You said, she would probably bring you a toy instead. I told you we’d have to see. And lo and behold, the tooth fairy, not only brought you a toy, but brought you the toy you thought she might! You also lost a second tooth about a week later, and were terribly disappointed by the dollar bill she left for that one. I agreed to sell you a fancy coin for the dollar bill. You picked a 10 nuevo peso coin that I had left over from my trip to Mexico – a nice pick being that it’s an interesting looking coin – with a gold outer circle and a silver inner circle (clearly I’m talking color not metal.) It’s worth less than $1, but only by about 15 cents, I made the deal anyway though, and you seem happy about it.

I took you to the Miller Outdoor Theater to see The Aluminum Show, and although each time they were between scenes you asked if it was over and fell asleep about half way through, you still had a blast, and I will absolutely go see that show again and I would even be willing to pay money to see it, it was that awesome. I hope the Luma one I’m taking you to in April is just as good!

We also built a vegetable garden this month. I’m using the term “we” pretty loosely here, since you pretty much spent most of the build time inside looking for your shoes (translation, got side tracked by a toy you saw while on a mission to find your shoes), but you did help with the planting of the seeds. I have a feeling not everything will be growing as planned, but it’s certainly worth a shot. We planted carrots, sweet and red onions, green beans, spinach, cucumbers, zucchini, and tomatoes. Needless to say, our tiny little garden is going to be a bit crowded, but that’s ok.

I had a parent teacher conference with your teacher. You are very smart and above and beyond the rest of the class, you’re still getting bored which leads to misbehaving. I asked if I should take you straight to Kindergarten next year and the teacher said she didn’t think that was necessary, and that the teachers in the pre-K class know how smart you are and will challenge you enough. I don’t really want you skipping grades anyway, I’m sure it would be fine now, but later on when maturity really matters, I want you to be on even ground with your peers.

An interesting development happened in your speech patterns this month. The word "exactly" seems to be a new favorite. You use it often. Often when it isn't quite the right word. "I will exactly have three cookies." "I exactly like the blue truck." "I am exactly putting it right here." I don't know where you learned the word or what it is you think it means "exactly," but I find it quite humorous.

Um, we didn’t quite accomplish the moving to your own bed this month. So it’s still on your to do list for this month.

Love,

Mommy

Hmmmm....

So apparently the sasquatches are getting more and more organized.  First they're going to learn how to get engaged, next they'll be wanting to get married and have their big foot children go to public schools.  I wonder if this is what the rightwing envisioned when they said gay marriage was a slippery slope?

Landonisms, continued

"When I grow up to be a rock star, my team will win!"

 

To further clarify - his team is apparently his band, although he didn't know what they would win, it doesn't matter, so long as they won. So says Landon.

 

**********

 

He lost his first tooth last night.  I found it in the bed.  When asked what he thought the tooth fairy would bring him, and I suggested maybe some money, he said "No,...probably a monster truck lawn chair that a monster truck can sit in and it will shoot him out!"  [The visual explanation contained a Stuart from Mad TV like jump twist arm pump up in the air.]

 

"A lawn chair for monster trucks?  Do they even make those?"

 

"Yeah, you know." [Repeat the visual portion of the explanation]

 

"Ooooh, a launcher!"

 

"Yeah, that's what I said a launcher." [Which may very well be true, if you take into account his deep country Texas accent.]

 

 

A few Landonisms

"I'm almost old enough to live on my own."

 

"Really?  How old it that?"

 

"Five.  Five, is old enough to live on your own."

 

"Hmmm...how old do you think most people are when they move to their own place?"

 

"Ten is when most people live on their own."

 

*************************************

 

"If you're thinking about eating glue, you have to eat grilled cheese because it's kind of like glue, but healthy for you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monthly Newsletter #53

Dear Landon,

You are growing up. This month is full of growing up signs. They are everywhere. And great and wonderful, and perfect.

Well, I kept it a secret for almost 4 ½ years, but you were finally invited to a Chuck E Cheese birthday party, where you found out that it's not just a TV show we keep missing. In fact, you were invited to 2 different Chuck E Cheese birthday parties this month. And I will admit that this Chuck E Cheese is sooo much better than I remember. Last time I went to a party there, it was an older location and the games were run down and the pizza was terrible. I have to admit, that this place was clean and up to date and very nice…I might even consider taking you on a non-birthday party trip there. We'll see.

Grandpa Logan came up this month and he took the crib bars off of your bed. You now have your very own big boy bed. Complete with the Yoda sheets that you requested and told me that if you had them you would totally sleep up there by yourself. You lied, by the way. We did have one night where we attempted it, but you took until 11pm to fall asleep, and then an hour later came downstairs with a terrible nosebleed and my brain nearly collapsed the next day from exhaustion, so that didn't work out. You keep telling me you'll sleep up there tomorrow. And when tomorrow comes you say you meant today's tomorrow, not yesterday's tomorrow. I have some new plans of attack brewing – but discovered that I should not tell you what they are, because you will thwart them.

I also bought you some new bookshelves from IKEA this month. Your room is now very organized and hopefully we can keep it that way. We do need to learn to let go of some of the toys you no longer play with. You treat your toys with such care that they are all in excellent shape, which means that I don't get to throw very many away – which means we really just keep collecting more and more of them. In fact you have a huge tub of unopened toys in your closet from your birthday and Christmas.

This month you began T-ball. You are on the Astros! This is unbelievably lucky since you had been saying all along that you wanted to be on the Astros and I kept telling you I had no control over that. You are #4, and opening day is this Saturday. Practices have been going pretty well and your throwing is getting better – but I think Saturday is going to hilarious in ways you won't understand until you have a 4 year old and put them together with 11 other four year olds and try to get them to play a game they don't fully understand. Herding cats is an understatement.

A couple weeks ago we were running an errand and you told me you were trying to think of a word you forgot, "it's a 3 syllable word that starts with 'P', and it's another name for an elephant." Those were the clues I got. You were thinking of pachyderm. Seriously? You're 4. I'm not sure when I learned the word pachyderm, but I'm 100% positive I wasn't 4. You are freaking people out with all this knowledge. And it's not just the pachyderms. People think it's crazy that you know about inertia, force, and friction too. Never mind the constant discussions that lead to Einstein's theory of relativity. I may possibly be raising a much nerdier me than I ever imagined, I just hope I can keep you interested in learning so you don't peak too early.

Your reading skills are getting stronger and stronger. I think you may have exceedingly high standards for yourself though, because while I fully believe you are reading, you fully believe you are not. You say you are not because you don't know "all the words." Sweetheart, I don't think anyone knows "all" the words.

I'm going to admit that this year will be a little harder than last year. I let you get away with a ton of stuff over the last year, that I now realize I need to stop allowing. It was okay for a time, but it's time to get back to reality. With that in mind, my request this month is simple. Please sleep in your big boy bed. That's it, that's all I want from the next month. I will absolutely welcome you into my bed if you're scared, or have a bad dream, or a nosebleed, or whatever, but I can no longer tolerate being kicked in the head at 2:00 am. It's ouchy.

Love,

Mama

Monthly Newsletter #52

Dear Landon,

Man, that was a fast month. Or maybe it just feels like we didn't do anything because I decided that the very best way to spend a week was to get as close to death as possible through coughing and phlegm. You, for some unknown but totally miraculous reason, did not get sick. And I appreciate that more than you will ever know.

I finally got it through your thick little skull that the crying and whining at me when I leave you at day care is for the birds and you had better cut the crap. I explained that I would be much more likely to hug and smooch a few extra times if asked nicely instead of being screamed at and clung to. And you know what? It worked! All it took was me leaving one day after you started your fit without comforting you. Awesomeness.

Also awesome? You are reading. I bought a couple sets of super duper easy books and you read two of them to me. Granted they are not terribly difficult, but it's the path, we've begun the journey, and since the journey leads to me not having to read 47 books to you in one sitting, I’m all for it.

Your daddy and cousin Jay took you and Noah to your first monster truck rally. I have a feeling it may become an annual event for you, because you LOVED it. Loved. It. You talked about it for days and days; you gathered up all your monster trucks and did a demonstration of what happened for me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited.

We babysat Baby Jack one night this month. About 2 weeks later you told me you thought you'd have a baby brother or a baby sister by now. I told you to be patient, and things happen in strange ways and we may very well get one for you eventually, but for now, you need to enjoy Baby Jack. That evening we went over to Baby Jack's house and he beat the crap out of you. I asked if you still wanted that baby brother and you said no. Problem solved!

I took you to Chick Fil A on a night when they had Phineas and Ferb and Perry the Platypus. Apparently they are not nearly as popular as Toy Story 3, which is awesome, because there weren't many people there, but sad because I bet they never come back. You were so excited, your little head nearly popped off when they entered the room, but when we got to the front of the line? You took off in the other direction saying you were scared of them. After much coercion and deals, I finally at least got photographic proof of you seeing Phineas and Ferb - even if I had to be in it. Perry looked a bit odd - wrong shaped bill, but whatever.

This week, we're getting a hard freeze. Last year during the hard freeze our sprinkler bell thingy popped off. This year I was smart enough to turn off the sprinklers and wrap everything including that bell back flow thing-a-ma-jigger. So I was out wrapping the 3 faucets and the sprinkler thingy and I told you where I would be and I set you up watching TV. I was wrapping up the last faucet and I hear "Moooooooooommmmmmy, where aaaaaaaaaaare yooooooooou?" loud enough for all our neighbors to hear and then subsequently call CPS because they must believe I left you alone at the house. I kept answering you, because I hoped that even if you couldn't hear me, the people who heard you could hear me and know I'm here - and if I thought for a second you were hurt or truly scared I would have dropped everything, but you were fine and I knew it. I can only hope that my future grandchild does this to you at some point so you will understand why I was so frustrated with you.

Oh and this month we signed you up to play Tball. You do not like the idea of having to use the tee, you want to play REAL baseball where someone throws the ball to you. We do not know your team yet, but will find out in the next couple of weeks. In the mean time, we're working a bit on catching the ball and throwing the ball.

I think if there's one thing you could work on, it's your attitude. When things don't go your way, you burst out in tears. I said "don't open the bubbles in the car", you said "ok, but just let me check if the thingy is in there", I say "I already checked, it's in there and I said don't open them". BOOM tears. Not necessary. The teacher in Sunday school handed you the wrong sticker laden paper piece of bread, BOOM tears. I’m just not sure everything it worth tears.

Love,

Mommy

That little dude can read!

So I've been bugging Landon a lot about whether he wants to learn to read or not, and he keeps saying no.  And I keep thinking about all the free time I would have if he would just read to himself.  But last night I froze the TV on a word that shows up occasionally on PBS - on their in between shows, but not commercials clippy things - the word was CAT.  There was no picture of a cat, just the word in pink sparkly letters.  I asked him if he knew what it said and he said "CAT."

 

I said "HEY!  You can read!"

 

And he said "No I can't, I just know that word, because I like kitties."

 

So a little while later we were reading one of the Phineas and Ferb books he got for Christmas (terrible purchase on my part, they are chapter books and exactly the same as the episodes, only they take a lot longer to read, and have very few pictures) and he stopped me and pointed to the name "Stacy" and said "That says Stacy."

 

And I was like "Yes, yes it does!  Do you realize you're reading?"

 

He continues to deny the ability - but it's so totally coming out, it's unbelievable.  And wonderful and YAY!!

 

 

Monthly Newsletter 51

Dear Landon,

This is quite possibly the hardest letter I think I will ever have to write, or at least I hope it doesn’t get any harder than this. Although, by the time you read it, you will be much older and already know what I’m going to say, so that gives me some comfort that I’m not actually giving you any kind of breaking news.

Last year about this time, your Daddy moved out. He moved out for what was supposed to be a temporary separation. A way for us to work out our issues and come back together. He’s decided that he’s done trying to fix things with me. And we are in the beginning stages of the divorce process.

You should know this has absolutely nothing to do with you. I mean, it will affect you, obviously, but the reasons have nothing to do with you. I hope you can learn from our mistakes, and your marriage will be better for it. Not that I’m going to get into that here.

It hurts me more than anything to feel that I failed you. I failed to keep our family together. The things that were important to me, like waking up in your own bed on Christmas morning, having a special traditional Christmas morning breakfast or Easter morning breakfast every year are going to logistically not be possible. It hurts me to think I have to give you up every other weekend, even though I know you will be safe and loved. You’re my lumpy pancake, so I guess this will count as one of your lumps, it wasn’t the first, and it probably won’t be the last. I hope in the end, you won’t be any lumpier than anyone else’s lumpy pancake. Right now, my job is to raise you to the best of my ability not to be a schmuck. And I’m doing the best I can.

This month has been quite a whirlwind, mostly due to Christmas. You had all kinds of Christmas stuff this month and a few extra things too. We went on a hay ride through a neighborhood with the church group and saw a live nativity scene. Possibly the best nativity scene I’ve ever seen. They actually acted out the Christmas story as it was read aloud instead of just standing around. We also had my company’s children’s Christmas Party – which, as always is a mountain of sugar. Of course you thought the optimal attraction was the glass elevator in the lobby.

You also had your first dental appointment. You were extremely frightened, not helped by the fact that all the children’s books about visiting the dentist include cavities and drills. You finally agreed to open your mouth in exchange for some Kung Zhu pet armor and also if you would be allowed to lay on top of me. Your visit included neither cavities nor drilling, but did include a little scraping of your teeth, which you said did hurt. As we left, you declared that since you didn’t have any cavities you would probably never have to go to the dentist again. Nice try, my child, nice try. They’ll see you again in 6 months.

Beginning when your Day Care closed on the 23^rd you and I spent the majority of the time together until this morning when I dropped you off at school. We played a lot and had a pretty awesome week, and we even took a trip to my college town. Sometimes I’m not aware of how much you are listening to me, but we went to the Bonfire Memorial and I explained to you what happened and how many people died. We went around the whole circle and looked in each arch. As we left you asked me questions about why they were building it wrong and what it looked like and how come they didn’t get burned. We stumbled upon a statue of the bonfire and I was able to explain to you about how they were building it, and the fact that they would build it completely and get off of it before lighting it. Later in the evening when we were talking about the bonfire memorial with my friends that we had met for dinner, you rattled off nearly all the information I had given you about the bonfire tragedy.

After a few hours of play at my friends’ house, we went through a drive though light display. You were almost asleep when we got there, although you livened right up for the lights. It was a nice display, although nowhere near as much stuff as the place you go in Athens with Grandma and Grandpa Wood. When we left you were so totally exhausted that you were asleep within a mile or two.

This weekend I also began my, get off my butt plan, and intend to spend at least 30 minutes outside with you each day – when we have enough day light to do it. So on Saturday and Sunday we went out on the cul-de-sac and you rode your scooter around and I rode my bike around in circles. You made up races and games and changed the rules on me mid game (Calvin Ball, anyone?). I probably didn’t get my heart rate up that much, but at least I was moving, that was kind of the point. So even if you don’t know it, I want you to be my work-out buddy.

Love,

Mama

Why you should probably hold a protest if I mention moving to your area.

You may never again mail a package without having to stand in line and deal with disgruntled postal workers and the 40,000 people in line who brought in their packages and yet forgot to bring the address to which it needs to be sent.

Anyway, with my own hopes of avoiding such issues, I planned to mail the packages I was sending from a post office I know that has a kiosk thingy where you weigh it and stamp it yourself and put it in a little barrel thingy and lift the lever and poof your package has now disappeared into the postal realm.

So I was childless for the evening and thought that the best time to do such an errand was before picking up anyone else and after my lovely dinner I headed in that direction.

I weighed each of my packages, and paid for the stamps - one which was $2 less than the other and even though the more expensive one was smaller and lighter and supposedly traveling by the same priority mail...so confusing. One thing asked me for it's size and the other didn't and whatever, the whole ordeal was fine. It asked me to make sure my package would fit in the barrel thingy and I set it in there. It did indeed fit, so I went on about purchasing my stamp.

Upon completion of the transaction, I put some extra tape on my package, because it said I had to cover any and all "other" markings. Then I placed the larger of the two packages in the barrel and lifted the lever. And the lever would not come back down. I jiggled it and whacked on it. I yelled "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!!!" Aaaaand. Nothing. I looked around, I asked my fellow late comers if they were mailing packages. They were not. I said "Good, because I think I just broke the post office, and I'm leaving before someone who is mailing a package comes after me."

Monthly Newsletter #50

Dear Landon,

This month has been one of your funniest months yet. You unintentionally do things that make me laugh. Like when I asked you to close the shutter and first you peeked out the window. Then you turned around and said “Mommy! You are not going to believe what I just saw!” Wide eyed and completely amazed, you described the same snowflake lights that the lady across the street has put out every year.

You amaze me completely with your outgoing attitude. Everyone you meet is a friend, you speak to adults without any hesitation, you ask questions – good questions – of speakers in front of large groups of people. These are things I still have trouble with today – I am so glad you don’t have the same problem.

I took you ice skating this month, after we got back from New York. You had wanted to do it at Rockefeller Center, but we didn’t have time really. You discovered that ice skating is not nearly as easy as they make it look on TV. I discovered that it wasn’t nearly as hard as I remember it being 20 years ago when I clung to the wall like a poster. Oh and possibly, the skates have gotten better, much more ankle support.

You also went on your very first Girl Scout camping trip. And loved it. You haven’t stopped talking much about how you need to be a boy scout – of course, they don’t start cub scouts until first grade, so it will be a while, you may just have to enjoy being a tag-a-long to Girl Scout trips for a while.

I also just want to mention this, because I’m almost positive that it will disappear and I want it recorded for posterity’s sake. When asked if you want white or wheat bread…you pick wheat – of your own volition. And when there is cheese? You want real cheddar cheese, no processed cheese slices – unless they are in your grilled cheese sandwich, and actually you still prefer the real cheese in those too. Given a choice between fries and apples? You pick apples way more often than you pick fries.

On to the things we need to work on. Please stop bursting into tears every 10 seconds. Seriously, if I decide to leave you in the car for the 30 seconds it will take me to get money out of the ATM from which I can SEE YOU, is not an assault on you. Also, when I shut a door that you had planned on shutting yourself – not a reason to cry. And while we’re at it, crust on your sandwich or sandwich cut in the “wrong” shape – also not reasons for complete meltdowns. Enough with the drama queen (king) antics. GAH!!!

Also, if you tell me you don’t want breakfast and then I drive all the way to the school to drop you off and we pull into the parking lot and then you announce you want McDonalds. I am not amused. It is not a perfect plan to spend more time with Mommy and maybe she’ll forget to drop me off at school.

And finally, the last thing (I know there are a lot this month), please stop pretending like you don’t know the routines we have. When you get in the car you have to get in your seat and put your seat belt on. I mean really, it’s not a surprise, it’s not a new thing, it’s the same thing we do every time we get in the car. Just like everyday when I drop you off at school, you can be assured that I will return to pick you up, I’ve never stayed at school with you, there’s no reason to ask me to do that, it won’t happen and it just makes us both start our day off badly.

All in all not a bad month, and I’m looking forward to Christmas too.

Love,

Mama